


of all the things we are and more

by belugazeitona



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Kara Danvers-centric, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Non-Binary Kara Danvers, alex is kind of and ass but she tries, gender non confiming Kara Danvers, i completely ignore the fighting aspect of the show, i didn't watch season 5 can you tell ?, i just know brainys gone and didnt want to talk about it, kara/nia the brotp we all deserve, no angst in this house just a little complications in life, self indulgent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:54:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26972476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belugazeitona/pseuds/belugazeitona
Summary: karaaaaadid u bingo bro?She didn’t know, she never played bingo.… i got 6 out of 9 ?  She repliedlmfao i got 5 Nia texted, and…It bugged her, how nonchalant Nia announced that she, the cis one in this friendship, had more in common with trans people than her, the trans friend. She felt hot around her neck and the nagging feeling she sometimes had was stronger this time, like maybe her brain was screaming at her you should think about this now!!!!or: kara danvers is non-binary and tries not to think about it (until nia sends a meme)
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 11
Kudos: 80





	of all the things we are and more

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to see kara danvers as non-binary, all the experiences in the fic are related to my own and how i experience my gender and i don't speak for the whole comunity 
> 
> it's set a few months pos-finale of season 5, after they defeat lex and what-not, in this chapter i won't focus on the superfirl-thing a lot, i'll get into that in the next, maybe.
> 
> (i'm sorry in advance to put alex on the spot, she just seems like she doesnt know a lot about the comunity)
> 
> my first language is not english so if theres some weird phrasing let me know!

Kara Danvers felt like a disguise. 

Supergirl was a disguise, a costume she could wear and feel protected to be herself at the end of the day. It was always supposed to be _the other half_ of her life. Kara Danvers was supposed to be her life, who she is, reporter, optimistic, always hungry and sweet with everyone, a good friend; and she could see herself when described as her qualities, but the _daughter_ , and _sister_ and _girlfriend_ didn’t roll off her tongue easily.. 

She still remembers when Kal-El was born, wondering why she didn’t earn the El on her name, like she wasn’t as important. _It's a Krypton custom_ , her mother had said, _all sons inherit the family name and daughters inherit the husband's name when she marries._ She still remembers being confused, and distinctly remembers the disappointment when Eliza explaining that on Earth the custom was the same. 

She remembers on the few days she had the Danvers house to herself, when Alex was trusted to take care of her when Eliza and Jerimian were out working, but sneaked out of the house to hangout with her best friend and begged, blushing, for her not to tell her parents (how she didn’t know her sister was gay at the time was beyond her). How in the silence of the night, when nobody was home, she stole the button-downs from Jerimiah’s closet and styled her hair to look like it was shorter, how marvelous she felt to see she looked like a younger version of her father (she never stopped to register how right it felt to see her chest flat hidden behind the bigger shirt).

If she really thought about it, there wasn’t a day, on Krypton or Earth, where she didn’t feel like a disguise. 

So it was no wonder one day she would start to acknowledge the feeling, and yeah, Kara Danvers started to feel suffocatingly like a disguise.

…

It started oddly enough. 

One day Nia’s friend Jupiter came by CatCo to have lunch with her. The name was so **_weird_ ** that it intrigued her, but not wanting to be rude, all she did was offer her hand and introduced herself. Jupiter had colorful hair, wore make up and a skirt, but had the beginning of a mustache wanting to show and a sightly deep voice, Kara was aware that people could use whatever clothes they wanted in this day and age, but it felt different seeing up close, and there was a funny feeling on her belly when she couldn’t for the life of her understand if Jupiter was a man or a woman. It wasn’t until Nia said _they’re the best artist I know_ that Kara started to question whether she missed some information. It rubbed her in a way she didn’t want to question, it felt like a real possibility that she might have some prejudice and it felt wrong. 

Nia must have noticed because after she left the building, Kara received a text

**_jupiter is non binary, and uses they/them_ **

That got her more confused, but Nia once told her it was tiring as a trans person to answer so many questions about her life, and she suspected it was something like that and didn’t want to question further. 

**_oh, cool_ **

That felt dry. She added a smiley face to seem more friendly. 

Nia didn’t respond after that, she was probably busy with lunch, but Kara still felt a nervous bubbly energy at the bottom of her stomach. 

She couldn't bring herself to search the word, it felt sacred somehow, like at the back of her head she knew it could be life-altering searching about this. So she opened and closed the google tab on her laptop a few times, once typing the words and not bringing herself to press Enter. 

She tried to distract herself of the thoughts and do some actual work, but the tab was opened and it seemed to claim her attention every once and awhile. She didn’t realize how unfocused she was until Nia appeared at the door, asking if she was alright. 

“Yeah” she didn’t realize she responded “Just jumpy I guess” she looked at her notes, at least trying to focus on something.

“You sure?” Nia asked carefully.

“Yeah, just…” she couldn’t stop the nagging feeling at the back of her head “uh, nothing, nevermind” why was she _blushing_?

“Is this about Jupiter?” she seemed more guarded, protective of her friend. 

“What?! No, of course not!” Everyone knows she was a terrible liar “Why are- why would- I- ” she didn’t have words to defend herself so she might as well just agree. It was about Jupiter. She felt defeated somehow, embarrassed too “I’m sorry, I didn't want to question… but I-” she didn’t even know what she wanted to ask, what made her feel so weird about it all.

“I just didn’t know it was an option” she settled for “To use they/them…” she couldn’t elaborate more than that. 

Krypton had a strict relationship with gender, the language was gendered much like latin-based languages on Earth, it seems ridiculous, that a society so advanced had no room for more than what it was built for. Words were gendered, you were a she or a he, or the equivalent of that in kryptonian. 

It seemed freeing, being able to be perceived as whatever you feel and not having to adapt to the uncomfortable feeling of trying to fit this description people had of you. And she wondered quickly what that said about her. 

As quick as that thought came it went by and she felt slightly panicked and confused.

Nia seemed to understand her inner turmoil. 

“Do you want me to explain what non-binary means ?” she asked softly, like she meant more with her words than what she said. 

She shyly nodded, wanting to learn about this wonderful new thing about the english language. 

Nia spent an entire night explaining all kinds of different genders and pronouns over coffee and donuts while they were patrolling the city (the city seemed in less need of saving these days, more time for talks like this), and was patient when she asked specific questions and tried to understand the community with a fascination that she never allowed herself to indulge in before.

If she looked a little **_too_ ** fascinated and eager to learn, Nia never commented.

It became more of a topic of conversation than ever was before, Nia seemed happy to talk, always with a look that seemed to say more than what she meant. 

It was quietly that she asked one night about how it was for her to transition. 

“It’s always rough” she said looking at the skyline (they developed a habit of sitting on building roofs to talk more openly with no fear of being overheard) “My parents were angels, they tried their best, you know… But I don’t know” she looked at her hands, seeming smaller then she was “It’s rough not having someone who relates to what you’re going through, even if they are understanding…” she stopped for a while to look at her.

“I’m sure you can relate” she bumped her shoulder and Kara felt a little panic rise in the back of her mind. “Being kryptonian and all, alone with no one who understood you” she calmed a little.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that” is all she can say, she felt fuzzy with the comparison and didn’t want to comment on that. 

Nia always seemed to know when to not push it.

“It could have been worse” she sips on her milkshake, and Kara looked intently “But now I know many trans people and it’s wonderful to have people who know how you feel” she looked at Kara like she was waiting for a response. 

“That must be nice” she shyly admitted “I feel like nobody knows what it’s like for me, not even Kal-El” she didn’t know exactly what she meant with that. 

The conversation ended for a while, both seemed content to just admire the city. Kara fidgeted every once in a while, and Nia seemed calm, waiting. 

“I searched a few things” she quietly said, sure that if Nia wasn’t expecting some kind of confession, she wouldn’t be heard “I think I might be pansexual” she breathed her words quietly but so loud to her ears. 

It’s not what she wanted to say. _It’s not what Nia expected to hear_ , _too_ , she thought, but she couldn’t bring herself to duel too much on that.

Nia smiled at her, and they talked about pretty girls, Kara still felt reserved about her opinions on women, but shyly admitted on the quiet night about how pretty she thought some girls were. Kara blushed profusely at the “ _Lena is really pretty huh”_ comment Nia made. 

They bonded about being part of the community, and Nia sent endless memes everyday. 

… 

She quietly told Alex one Sister Night, and like Nia she smiled acceptly. 

“I know doofus” she said smiling “You never shut up about Lena’s eyes” she teased (unlike Nia, rude). 

“I do not!” that was a lie 

“Yes you do, how green and intense and perfect they are” she kept teasing, and Kara threw a pillow in her face “Even during the fight” she said more seriously. 

It was a sour topic, Lena was distant these days and she had to stop excited messages about a cute looking dog she saw every time at the memory that their relationship was kind of ruined after the fight. 

Alex seemed to sense her uneasiness at the topic. 

“How is she ? Is it still awkward ?” she was soft with her when talking about Lena, didn’t have the heart to mock the situation yet. 

“Kelly told me she passed by one day asking for recommendation on a therapist” she picked one potsticker “So that’s good I guess, but she’s still… weird… with me” she stopped for a while to chew the food on her mouth “I think she’s trying, but you know, it’s complicated” 

“Most things are, I guess” Alex replied, trying to steal the last potsticker. That was enough of a distraction to make her stop thinking about Lena. 

…

A few days later, Kara was out having breakfast with Alex before her shift at CatCo, and when she was about to order on the counter, she stumbled over her words and her cheeks felt warm at the sight of the beautiful cashier. 

Alex mocked her, as one do, “a useless lesbian”

Her smile fell a little and she remembered Alex that she wasn’t in fact a lesbian. It felt important somehow, that she made it clear. 

Alex brushed it off “yeah, yeah, I know” she bumped her shoulder softly “It’s just… I don’t know… You’re into women now, right ?” she hummed “I know you’re bi but now I can call you baby gay while you don’t date man” 

She felt slightly sick at Alex’s words, she doesn’t know exactly why, but there were some implications behind what she said. 

She didn’t say that she wasn't bisexual either.

…

She felt off. 

All her pants and button-downs were in the laundry pile, and she had to wear a dress to CatCo that morning. For a few months she tried to wear more dresses to appear more professional, but it started to make her feel uncomfortable so she stopped after Lena softly commented on one of their awkward post-fight lunch dates that she missed the button-downs when she wore one to the encounter. It made her feel warm, having approval of something that always felt like herself but made her feel so uneasy (she can hear what people talk about how she dresses, that was pivotal in the dress-wearing-decision). 

But today she had to wear a dress, after almost two months of not having to endure the uncomfortable itch and weird feeling around herself (she couldn’t look in the mirror, it made her feel odd), and everything felt a little bit off today. 

She spaced out and felt uncomfortably aware of herself all day, of her breasts and thighs and how the dress fit in all the wrong places, and made her look so _womanly._ It was weird, this feeling, sometimes she craved to look as feminine as possible, she liked wearing dresses for a while, it was fun and it made her feel confident sometimes, but today what at days would make her feel empowered, felt wrong and **_bad_ **. 

Nia noticed and asked what was wrong. 

She didn’t have normal words to voice her feelings without seeming like she was crazy for feeling so weird for no apparent reason. 

She was hyper aware all day and couldn’t focus for most of it, and at lunch time, when she received a text from Lena asking what she wanted to eat today, she almost jumped from the chair, having forgotten about her lunch date. 

She flew to L-Corp after hurriedly texting it was Lena’s choice (she almost regretted fearing it would be a plate of kale, but she was pleasantly relieved to find Big Belly Burger sitting at the coffee table in front of the white couch)

“Oh thank Rao, I worried you would order some salad!” she said and Lena laughed brightly, then seemed hesitant, not knowing if she could hug her or not. 

It was always awkward these days, they were working on it. 

“So, uhm” Lena started, once they decided to sit on the couch and spent a few seconds silently opening their bags “I’ve been meaning to ask something”

“Shoot me” she said, eating a fry, looking expectantly at Lena. 

“I- uhm” she never heard Lena so hesitant before. “I know we’ve already gone through this, but I-” she stopped and breathed “I think it’s good to have some uhm closure, about our fight” 

She felt weird again, feeling the tightness around her ribs and tights, the dress was making her self-conscious and she felt vulnerable in front of Lena, anxiously waiting for an answer. 

“Uhm” she said after a while, her shoulder felt itchy around the dress colar “That wasn’t a question” she awkwardly chuckled the most stupid answer ever. 

Lena let out a breathy laugh, and seemed to relax a little. 

“I know, I’m sorry” she paused. “I just- wanted to really talk about it, I think it would be good” she stopped again and looked intently at her again “For both of us”. 

The dress felt tighter somehow and apparently Lena didn’t stop talking, and at the back of her mind she registered the word “Supergirl” and tried to stiff her arms to cover the curves the dress showed so much. 

“...Kara?” that snapped her out of her thoughts “Are you okay?” 

She doesn't respond, and her breathing feels a little heavier now. 

“Hey, what’s going on darling?” Lena asks softly, touching her arm. It feels like too much. 

It all felt foggy and desperate for a while, she could hear Lena’s voice muffled by the sounds that seemed loud and distant at the same time. 

It took her awhile to realize Lena was hugging her, the pressure was nice and she heard Lena asking her to focus on one thing she could see. She felt calmer with the vibrations of Lena’s voice rumbling through her. 

“Hey” Lena, looked concerned but smiled softly “Feeling better?” 

“Yeah” she didn’t want to stop the nice pressure of the hug. “M’sorry” she mumbled 

“You don’t need to apologize” she softly combed her hair with her hands, it felt nice. “Wanna talk about it ?” 

She doesn’t. She never wanted to talk about this feeling, With anyone. It makes the worries true, and she was tired of being different than everyone everyday of her life. But she says it anyways. 

She tells Lena about the nights she felt so worrible inside herself that she didn't look in the mirror, and how she spent years as a child wanting to cut her hair short, but she couldn’t cut it without a kryptonite laced scissor and she tells her about how awful se felt today in her dress. 

Lena lends her a suit, it feels expensive and a little tight in some places and a little baggy in others, but it fits nicely enough that it doesn’t bother her too much. 

When she looks in the mirror, she remembers Jeremiah’s too big shirt and how she looked like her father. This time, she notices how the shirt presses against her breasts, making it a little flatter than usual. 

It brightens her day, and Lena seems to notice all the details she’s gone over in her head, looking a little out of breath with a slight blush to her cheeks.

(Later in the month Lena buys her man's dress shirts, from a fancy brand, that feels expensive and fits nicely around her shoulders. It makes her feel warm when she looks in the mirror.) 

Nia notices how happy she is when she comes back from lunch, and compliments her on the suit. (She notices a few women in the office looking her way and she blushes a little at the implications of that). 

… 

They talk a lot about their true feelings now, they work through their biggest problems regarding the fight, and Lena says calmly about how betrayed she felt. 

Sometimes it’s too much, and they don’t know how to react with each new revelation, but it feels lighter, somehow, now it feels like they’re truly friends, with no more secrets to hide. 

One day, inside her apartment drinking wine (she bought an alien kind, Lena thought it wasn’t fair if she couldn’t get drunk to talk about feelings), after a few pizza slices and talks about their fears, Lena, with soft hair, wearing one hoodie and pajamas pants, with a blushing face because of the alcohol, says

“I feel so nice when you’re around” Kara blushed at that, Lena looked so soft tonight. 

“You’re always nice” she replied, drinking a little of her alien wine. It tasted like cranberries if they were grapes, if that makes sense.

“I never feel that nice around anyone” Lena said, she looked like she didn’t know there were words coming out of her mouth, like she didn’t realize she was voicing her thoughts. “It’s a shame you’re straight, we would’ve made a nice couple” wich 

What 

“What ?” She's not very eloquent when a little drunk. 

“I mean, I’m way past the straight-girl phase y’know” Lena is maybe a little more drunk than she thought, because this conversation feels a little like a lucid dream. “I’m a little weak for you so I might reconsider”.

“I’m not straight” she simply says, and Lena looks at her with a blank expression. 

There was a pause, Lena seems to consider the new information. 

“I mean, that kind of hurts more” she finally says, sipping on her wine “I thought I didn’t have a chance but you were just turning me down easy” she says laughing a little (maybe therapy helped her be more open and accepting of things or maybe she was just past-tipsy saying things she wouldn’t say sober)

“What ? I never turned you down” she feels like her cheeks are on fire, and her mind is a little fuzzy. "I didn't know there was something to turn down!" she adds, embarrassed out of her mind.

“Kara, you can’t be that dense, I was hitting on you for like, three months before I gave up” Lena put her glass down “Did you really not notice?”

She didn’t respond for a while, resting her head on Lena’s thigh, closing her eyes and humming softly. 

“Wow, I feel really disappointed in myself” she said after a while, giggling. “Alex was right, I am a gay dissaster” 

Lena chuckled, and traced her face softly with her fingers. 

It has been happening a lot. The touching. After her semi-panic attack, it seemed like a switch was flipped and suddenly they were touching a lot more. Having more sleepovers too. 

“Maybe you are, I think everyone knows I had a crush on you” she says smiling softly, and Kara feels warm and bubbly inside, and there’s a tingly feeling inside her stomach like she knows there’s _something_ happening right now.

“Had ?” she asked, voice so small and uncertain, she was sure Lena didn’t hear. 

“Have” she opened her eyes and stared at Lena’s green ones. It felt important somehow, the way she voiced her response firmly. 

Kara sat down, and looked at Lena, without really knowing what to say.

She suddenly realized how close they were, and she could see the nervousness on Lena’s face. _She is so beautiful_ , she thought, dreamly. 

She can see Lena searching her face, looking down at her lips and up again at her eyes, she sucks in a breath and notices she’s searching too, watching the tongue wet her lips, and the bob of her throat when she swallows heavily. 

“I really wanna kiss you right now” she admitted sighing, and Lena looks at her lips again, and then finally looks at her eyes, staring at her soul. 

She’s closing the distance without realizing, and they’re suddenly breathing on each other.

“Then kiss me” 

Lena’s lips are softer than they look. 

They have no rhythm in their drunk state, and it feels a little too wet sometimes, but it was incredible. She felt a hand at the back of her neck, and whined at the contact. 

Lena moaned softly on her mouth and everything felt a little too hot. She separated their lips and fluttered her eyes open. 

They didn’t say anything for a while, just looking at each other’s flushed face, and after some silence, Lena giggled. 

“Hi” is all she says, being drunk on the kiss and alien cranberry-grape alcohol.

“Hi” Lena replies and softly rests her head on the back of the couch, looking intently at her. “You look so pretty right now” she says quietly. 

“You look beautiful always” she responds, picking Lena’s hands and playing with their fingers. 

Lena hummed and closed her eyes. Kara admired how beautiful she looked when relaxed. 

“I have a confession” Kara says, and Lena opens her eyes and perks her head in interest. “I think I’m a little in love with you” 

And Lena laughs, so bright that her dimples show, and her smile stays on her face when she replies “I am a little in love with you, too”.

Lena’s hands are on her cheek and she feels warm all over.

“I think it would be great if we date,” she dumbly says, searching Lena's eyes. 

“I think so too” she replies “But-” Lena sits straighter ( _ha_ ) and looks a little less drunk uttering the next words “-we should take it slow. It’s… still a process, and I felt like shit after the whole fight thing” she never heard Lena swear and it made her feel fuzzy again. 

“I know” she replies “You know I’m sorry, right?” she added, just to be sure

“Of course I do, darling” she blushed at the pet name, and Lena was gently caressing the back of her neck now “I just… need to go slow, for a while” 

“Okay” she said, but she felt oddly disappointed. “I don’t know what that means” she settled with furrowed brows “Do you still want to see other people?” she asked in a small voice 

“Kara” she says with a pointed look “You are the only person I have in my personal life, I never _see_ people” she says trying to joke, but with a glint of sadness in her eyes, and she stored that information for later. “But yeah, I want to be exclusive with you… if that’s, uhm what _you_ want” she was a little nervous, Kara could tell. 

“Yeah,.. I want that” she was going to say something more, but Lena beat her to it. 

“I think we should talk about all of this tomorrow, I’m tired and frankly a little too drunk to have this conversation right now” she says laughing and yeah, she agreed. 

They slept on the couch cuddling and woke up sore from the uncomfortable position, but it felt right in all the right ways when Lena kissed her softly first thing in the morning. 

They discussed over waffles and coffee what they wanted, and it felt so unreal to be talking about a _relationship_ with _Lena Luthor_ , her _best friend_ and _crush_ of years now, but it felt natural, like it was just a new day in their lives, and Lena was wearing her hoodie and knew exactly what cabinet in the kitchen to look for mugs, and knew where to look for coffee (she liked to keep it inside a nice vintage can) and it all seemed so domestic that it was the next logical step to start dating.

So they did. They started tentatively, it was new and exciting but it seemed fragil with their history, so in the end it was the best decision to go slow. They didn’t want to tell right away to everyone, wanting to enjoy and understand each other better before making it official. 

Still, they had lunch dates on the L-Corp couch, and she brought flowers when Lena had a hard day at the office, and she received three of her favorite chocolate bars with a note _to my sweet love_ signed with a neat handwritten by her girlfriend (she smiled at the thought).

It took almost two months to make it official, Alex happily said it was inevitable when they announced one saturday on game night, J’onn was busy that night and didn’t make it. Nia seemed happy and she started talking about going to pride with everyone. Kelly congratulated them and went to the kitchen get more wine. James seemed uncomfortable, and commented how he didn’t know both his exes weren’t straight. 

“Kara is a new found lesbian!” Alex drunkenly said it excitedly and Kelly looked confused at Kara. 

“I thought you said you were pan” she said, seeming to sense her discomfort 

Lena had an unreadable expression on her face. She told her one quiet night about Alex, how she didn’t seem to understand her at all in regard to sexuality, how she feared Alex didn’t respect her, Lena was soft and understanding of what it was like to have people ignore when you tell them what you are. “She is” she simply said, staring at Alex, who, like the first time, brushed off the comment. 

“You know what I mean” she says laughing, not seeming to sense the slight discomfort that settled on the room. 

“No, I don't,” Lena said firmly. 

“It’s just she’s with you, who is a woman, so…” Alex said, pouring more wine. Kelly looked at her girlfriend with a serious expression on her face. 

Lena looked furious, James seemed uncomfortable and tried to hide behind his whiskey glass. Kara felt small and vulnerable with Lena’s hand burning on her thigh, she didn’t dare to look up, not bearing the look at her sister. 

“Wow, pan erasure much” Nia said with a bitter tone, seemingly trying to make light of the situation. 

“What? No, c’mon, you know I didn’t mean it like that” Alex said now addressing her directly “C’mon Kar, you know I didn’t-” she stopped when she saw that Kara was refusing to meet her eyes. (She didn't stop to register, how dispite the situation, there was a warm feeling on her chest when she heard the nickname).

The happy energy they had seconds ago with the news of the newly official couple was gone. Everyone seemed stiff and the air was tense. It was quiet for a few minutes, except for the occasional clink of glasses touching the coffee table. She tried to distract herself and eat a few slices of pizza, since nobody uttered a word for a long time. Lena’s hand was still burning on her thigh, holding so tight she was sure it would hurt if she wasn’t an alien. She quietly put her hand on top of her girlfriend’s and Lena seemed to soften a little.

“I think it’s better if we go,” Kelly said, breaking the silence, getting up, and offering her hand to Alex to get up too. She looked ashamed. 

“Yeah, we should go too” Nia said, looking at James who seemed relieved to have an out. 

Everyone awkwardly said their goodbyes at the door. Nia and James practically rushed out of the house, Kelly politely wished a goodnight and went to wait outside. Alex was frozen.

Kara could feel Lena’s hand protectively on her lower back. 

“Hey Kara, I’m uhm- I’m sorry, I didnt-” Alex stopped and sighed “I was an asshole and I didn’t know I was being a judgmental bitch erasing your sexuality, I just-” she stopped again and looked at Lena, and then again at her “I don’t know a lot about the whole, y’know community, and I only hung out with Maggie who.. said this stuff.. I didn’t- I didn’t know it was fucked up. Sorry” 

She was silent, she didn’t know how to respond honestly and Lena was starting to make her feel a little uncomfortable to have this conversation with her sister.

She fidget and only said “I- uhm” like an idiot, and Lena seemed to reluctantly let her hand down. 

“I’ll let you two talk” she said and walked away, on the back of her mind she registered the sounds of Lena cleaning the living room and washing the dishes. 

They stared at each other for a few seconds, not knowing what to say, Kara sighed. 

“Look” she started “You said some stuff that hurt me and I didn’t want to say anything but you have to learn to respect my sexuality.” her tone was slightly angry and she could tell Alex noticed. 

“I’m sorry” is all she said “I’ll do better” she opened and closed her mouth a few times, and seemingly decided to not add anything. “I love you” she said after a while and Kara softened “Sorry I was an ass” she blushed a little and looked down, embarrassed. 

“I love you” is all Kara responded before hugging her sister and wishing goodnight. 

At the back of her mind she wondered how Alex would react if she used another name. The thought shocked her a little. 

“You’re way more empathic than I am” Lena said, hugging her from behind, she melted at the contact. “I had half a mind to tell Alex to fuck off” 

Kara laughed and turned around, resting her arms on Lena’s shoulder. 

“I didn’t even know what to say really,” she said after a while, feeling the soft material of Lenas shirt under her hands. “I’m glad you had my back” 

“I always have your back, love” Lena responded and kissed her sweetly. 

… 

Alex avoided her for a while, J’onn seemed to sense the tension when they were at the DEO. Being an telepathic alien, Kara was sure he knew what was going on. (She wondered if he knew about the _other stuff_ she tried no to think about). His soft smile her way made her sure he knew. 

Nia quietly told her one late evening they were stuck at CatCo trying to meet a deadline, over chinese, that Alex talked to her. 

“She asked me about websites she could look to learn more.” she said, and Kara involuntarily smiled. 

“She did?” it was vulnerable, the way she asked. 

Nia nodded and smiled at her. 

“I know it sucks, when you think your sister is gonna accept everything about you and turns out she just doesn’t know better” Nia said, looking at the chinese food box on her hand, playing a little with her chopsticks inside her food. “It’s not really their fault, but it hurts” she said, finally looking at Kara, with a sadness in her eyes that she couldn’t bear. 

She hugged the younger girl and kissed the top of her head. 

“We’re allowed to feel hurt. Even if they just didn’t know better.” she said.

…

It’s always Nia and her way of making things easier than they really are. 

It was a meme, a ridiculous meme. Well, it was more of a bingo. 

**_look what jupiter sent me! i bingoed !_ **

She laughed at that. 

**_did you just use bingo in past tense ?_** she replied

It took less than a second for Nia to respond. ****

**_yes!_ ** And then **_did you bingo ?_ **

She chuckled to herself and opened the image. Nia should know she would never bingo. 

_you are particularly offended by gendered words._

_you like when people get confused by your gender_

_it feels weird to hear you name sometimes_

_always wanted to have more androugenous haircut_

_you have colorful hair_

_you chose “noah” or “oliver” as your name_

_you get particularly happy with gender neutral option on forms_

_used to try parents clothes when nobody was home to see yourself as the opposite gender_

_has a list of names incase you change your mind *again*_

She nervously wondered to herself if it really wasn’t standard to cis people to be happy with gender neutral forms (even if part of her brain reminded her how it always felt weird to mark the female box). Nia sent another text

**_karaaaaa_ **

**_did u bingo bro?_ **

She didn’t know, she never played bingo.

**_… i got 6 out of 9 ?_ ** She replied ****

**_lmfao i got 5_ **Nia texted, and…

It bugged her, how nonchalant Nia announced that she, the cis one in this friendship, had more in common with trans people than her, the trans friend. She felt hot around her neck and the nagging feeling she sometimes had was stronger this time, like maybe her brain was screaming at her _you should think about this now!!!!_

She got herself out of her thoughts when the doorbell rang. She was expecting Lena tonight, and now she has a nervous bumbling energy at the pit of her stomach for another reason entirely (it's been two and a half months by now, and the make-out sessions were getting a little more hot. Lena was patient but she had a weird relationship with her sex life and didn't want to complicate her relationship with Lena just yet).

She opened the door and Lena was there, with her CEO clothes and a soft tired smile, holding a bag in her hand **.**

“Hey baby” she kissed her cheek and Kara blushed, she loved how sweet Lena was with her. “What’s wrong?” she asked with furrowed brows, noticing Kara’s lost gaze. 

“Oh uhm, nothing, I was just texting Nia” she replied smiling. Lena looked tired so she helped with her bag while the high heels were discarded at the door. 

The thought returned, the words in the bingo replaying in her head. _Why did she get more than Nia ?_ she asked herself, putting Lenas bag on the couch, taking the soft looking pajama to give to her girlfriend. _You know why_ , a voice inside her head responded, and it sounded impatient.

“You sure ?” Lena asked, touching her arm, and she jumped a little at the touch. “You look a little.. deep in thought” she was worried and kind of nervous, and Kara realized maybe she should talk to her girlfriend about her inner turmoil. 

“Lena, do you-” she paused, looking at the pajama on her hands, feeling the soft material and trying to come up with a normal enough question “do you ever feel weird about being called.., like, girlfriend ?” she asked and instantly regretted her choice of wording, because Lena’s face fell. 

“Uhm, no” she said, and she looked sad, she swallowed slowly “Do- do you?”

“No! Not about y’know the dating part, I love being called yours” she hurriedly tried to explain, seeing the hurt on girlfriend’s face, and Lena flushed at the words. “I just,- feel weird, in general, with, uhm, words. Gendered. I don’t know, it- I don’t feel right, with- uhm people. Calling me. Things” she felt her cheek burning and wondered how she could be a full-time reporter and inspirational speech-deliverer superhero if she had the eloquence of a 5 year old. 

Lena seemed intrigued, her brows high and face of a little surprise. Gone was the hurt she showed at the start of the conversation. 

“I feel like maybe you can elaborate on that better than what you just did” Lena teased a little “Seeing as your work depends on you being able to use words properly”. 

Kara felt embarrassed and confused and she sometimes wished things weren’t complicated inside her brain so she could just **_talk_ ** to the person she feels most safe, without saying idiot things.

“Hey” Lena sensed her discomfort, and palmed her cheeks, making her look at those beautiful concerned eyes “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to tease, I just.. Don’t really understand what you’re trying to say, my love.” her eyes were so soft and she was so understanding, and Lena had a way of always making her talk about things she tried so hard to keep it inside (besides the Supergirl thing of course). 

“I-” she started, and avoided the eye contact, still feeling soft with Lena’s hands on her cheeks “I think I might, uhm, not be a girl” she murmured the last part, and she felt Lena’s tensing a little. “I’m not a boy either” she said quickly, turning her head to look at her girlfriend's schooled expression, trying to hide the shock she felt, but being evident to someone who learned Lena like she was a language.

“I’m not sure I understand, darling,” Lena said slowly, measuring her words. “Let’s sit down and talk about it ?” she didn’t seem sure about the offer. 

“Okay” she breathed and they sat, Lena’s hands on her knees drawing little soothing circles to calm her a little. “I think I’m non-binary” it felt.. weird to say. 

Freeing, like a loud music has been playing at the back of her mind and she finally discovered how to stop it, but weird, like a new shoe that didn’t fit just yet. 

“Okay” Lena said nodding repeatedly, like she was trying to calm herself “I’m- not familiar with the term” she had a bit of the CEO voice, maybe to have some comfort in an unusual conversation “Can you- Do you want to explain it to me, darling?” she was trying to not offend her, to understand the situation before commenting on it. 

So she explained how she always felt, about being a woman, how it never felt right, but she couldn’t resonate with being a man either. How once upon a time, when she first heard of a trans man, she wondered if that was what she was, but it still didn’t feel right. 

She talked about the weird feeling she had sometimes, about being feminine, how sometimes her body felt like it was wrong and all felt uncomfortable “ _That’s what you felt that day with the dress, right_ ?” Lena asked softly and she understood, at least on surface level, what she was trying to say. 

She loved her button-downs and sometimes she loved to be in a dress. Most days her hair didn’t feel like her own, but she didn’t really think about it because all she had to do was put it in a ponytail. She told Lena how it felt weird to be so thoroughly linked with femininity and womanhood when people talk about Supergirl, how the new suit feels infinitely better “ _Pants!_ ” Lena joked, but the lipstick made her feel unnecessarily vulnerable. She poured her heart out about how she always felt different and how she hated to never have anything to ground herself to other people, being alien, being from Krypton, being pansexual, and now being non-binary. She talked about her fear of how Alex might react, and that she felt even more confused than before.

“Okay, let’s slow down” Lena said “You just now are figuring this out, don’t worry about everything, let’s go one thing at a time okay?” and yeah, she was right, but it all felt like too much to have to think about it. 

“Yeah, okay” she responded, and Lena was combing her hair, massaging her scalp, while she talked resting with her face on her thigh, much like before they kissed for the first time. 

“Can I ask a few questions, darling?” Lena shyly asked, “I want to understand you” and 

It shouldn't be a romantic thing, it’s not really a romantic phrase, but it felt so important to Kara, to have someone who wants and tries to understand her. Accepting it’s wonderful but Lena wanted to **_learn_ ** her, and that made her heart jump a little. 

“Of course, shoot me ?” and it felt easy, talking to the love of her life (that thought scared her a little, but it felt right).

“I- What can I do ? To.. Make you more comfortable ?” Lena asked, trying to find the right words “I mean, is there some things you want me to stop saying or, I don’t know” she was trying. 

“I-uhm- I really like when you call me darling, it feels like you’re talking to me and not y’know, to my gender? If that makes sense” she stopped “If ah, if you could stop using gendered words, uhm I- I don’t really mind when it’s you but I don’t know- it’s very confusing to have a gender", she settled, and Lena chuckled a little at that.

“Okay, do you, uhm- Do you want to change your name ?” she asked uncertainly, Kara wishes it could be easier for Lena, but it was hard enough for herself. 

“I don’t know…” she answers “It’s the only thing I have in all aspects of my life that is Kryptonian” she quietly says, and Lena nodded softly, encouraging her to speak her mind “I had to change my last name, the thing that connected me to my family, here on Earth.. and Kara is the only thing I have left, I don’t want to change that” 

“Okay, then we don’t change it” Lena said, like it’s simple (maybe it is). “But does it make you feel, I don’t know… wrong ? like the words do ?” 

“Sometimes” she admitted “But it’s complicated, I don’t know” she toys with the hem of her shirt. 

“What about a nickname ?” Lena asks and Kara’s ears perked up at that. She turns to sit beside Lena, and looks down as she answers. 

“I- uhm, I really like when people call me Kar” she shyly admits “On Krypton, if I was a boy my name could have been Kar-El, so, I don’t know, it feels… neutral enough ?” she says, looking expectantly at her girlfriend. 

And Lena is quiet, looking curiously at her. 

And then she smiles, that soft one, that is reserved for Kara and Kara only. 

“I like it” she says “It suits you” and well Kara- Kar smiles.

Kar feels much more like herself.


End file.
